I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
