Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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