i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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