When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
