Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
