I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
