You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
