Your face is a jimmy john
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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