It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
