You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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