i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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