Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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