fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
