Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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