rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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