There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
