were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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