The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
