Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
