On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
