i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
