I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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