Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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