life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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