I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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