I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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