I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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