i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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