Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
