I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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