I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
