I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
