you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
