i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
