new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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