you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
