Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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