Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
