I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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