Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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