his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
