I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
