oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
