He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
