She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
