I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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