So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
