Yo dont text me then not text me
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
