If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
