I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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